Looking back at pictures of when I was in the middle of it, I look like a piece of nothing. There’s a picture of me on my mission where I look TINY. But honestly, the first time I saw that picture, I thought I wasn’t skinny enough. I remember looking at certain parts of my body and thinking that I needed to lose more weight. Now I look at it and think I look unproportionate.
It’s a struggle to believe this sometimes. And more and more it’s getting easier. But we are all beautiful no matter what size we are! Gosh dangit. I can’t believe I used to scoff at people who said stuff like that. I thought I was superior, thought I knew that being skinny was the key to happiness. What the freak?!! That’s how you KNOW Satan is talking to you, lesson number 1.
Our society has this massive mentality about the importance of being skinny. I dare you to count how many times a day you hear someone talk about healthy foods, losing weight, calories, not looking good in that dress, whatever. It’s so often! We are subconsciously programmed to think that we are not good enough and that we must override our bodies’ natural ability to stay healthy and in shape. You have hormones that tell you when to eat and how much so that your body can function but still be healthy so that you can move and enjoy all the activities that you love!
You think you’ll be happier when you’re skinny. You will be happier as you fuel your body with a balanced diet and get active--and you might lose some weight as a result. But health is the goal, not skinny. I promise, if you are pursuing happiness through being skinny, you’re gonna feel happy on random days because of what you have “accomplished.” But trust me, you are in this soul-sucking downward spiral because you just can’t have enough skinny. It’s a trap.
Now, I am so happy. Granted, I still have to fight the thoughts, but it’s getting easier. I got some new swimsuits and daaaaaang, gurl! And I am 20 pounds heavier than my lowest weight. So what. Let’s rewrite beauty as a society. You see it everywhere on Pinterest and Dove campaigns (and these words used to make me cringe because I didn’t want to accept myself at my natural weight) “Every size is beautiful.” I am learning to love my body more and more. I love myself!! Most importantly, I love who I am. I find so much worth in my divine identity, the way I’m different from everyone else, the way I live my life. I hated it when people were like “What makes you worthwhile is that you are a Daughter of God.” I was like “Everyone is a Child of God, how does that make me special?”
Being a Child of God means that there is only one you. There is only one you with your face, your body, your smile, your eyes, your laugh, your values, your goals, your dreams, your way of touching the world.
*The weird thing about eating disorders is that you see yourself as fat and everyone else as skinny. I hope I don’t offend anyone or make them think that I used to think they were fat or something. Hearing one of my anorexic friends say “I need to lose weight!” made me think I needed to lose weight too because I was bigger than her. No. I really hope my words don’t trigger anything harmful.