Here we are again. This is my secret to recovery. And, mind you, I am still in the process.
First of all, God blessed me with an INSANE desire to go to Africa. Back in January I had bought tickets to volunteer there in May. I started re-feeding in April and it was such a blessing to be in Africa and not have a mirror to look in. I read Intuitive Eating there and I jumped feet first into it. I had to get over my anxiety fast because my diet was filled with oil and starches. I still had thoughts about my body and anxiety about food, but it wasn’t as bad. It was such a blessing to feel a peace I hadn’t felt in a long time. Africa is a great place to go to get a perspective on life. They see what’s really important! Our divine nature, God, family, nature, love. It made me more grateful for what I have. Some people I saw there were emaciated because that was the only choice they had. Why did I choose to starve myself?
Another huge blessing was I changed therapists. I started going to a therapist at Center for Change. We were kindred spirits from the start. He loved to travel and just looked at life with so much love. He really saw the beauty in this life. He was funny and sassy and sarcastic. He kinda has a hippie approach--and I am ALL over that. He could see past my sarcasm and lies and called me out on my false beliefs. He got mad at me when I weighed myself, but showed pain and sympathy at the same time, asking me why I would measure my worth with something like that, when I am worth so much more than being under a certain weight. Sometimes I would go and we would just talk about life. He is my friend. He helped me recognize that good thoughts come from the Holy Ghost and from my heart center. Bad thoughts are lies and come from Satan. He taught me how to fight them. He taught me how to change my beliefs by using the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
That Atonement thing isn’t just for sins, you know. It’s for anything you want to change in your life. I would partake of the Sacrament every week and ask for the power to recognize Satan in my life and fight the thoughts. I would pray for strength whenever I felt weak. I would tell the devil to leave, even. I would call my friends who were put in my life--some who had recovered from an eating disorder already. They got it and it was really comforting to just cry on the phone to them. I literally had to get out the pain until I could go to church or to work or wherever.
Eventually, I cried less often. I was less afraid to go shopping and buy bigger clothes. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted, and I didn’t have as much anxiety. I got really good at noticing when Satan tried to put thoughts in my head and I said “You suck, Satan. You wish you had a body like me. And my body rocks. So get thee freaking HENCE.” I hope it’s okay to quote scripture like that. Sometimes I still didn’t believe that my body rocked, but it was kind of a fake it until you make it thing. And I’m making it!
I was talking to my therapist and telling him that I was feeling better and better, but I was still frustrated that I was still getting thoughts from Satan. I told him that I just prove Satan wrong in my head and push it away. That’s all I could do. And my therapist told me that was the key! I could do this on my own now, and eventually I wouldn’t have those thoughts anymore. They’d just taper away. And they are tapering for sure. That day he told me I was ready to fly on my own. I was so happy!!! But also kinda sad because it felt like I was breaking up with my awesome therapist. No more weekly visits. We are still friends, though.
One of my favorite things I learned from my therapist is that Satan tries to attack whenever something good is about to happen. Last time I weighed myself (I had a weak moment) was back in October. I went to therapy and my therapist was like “What were you thinking?!” And I was like “I don’t know! I thought it wouldn’t upset me but it did.” Of course it did, because I was itching to weigh myself! I still had an eating disorder mentality! Anyway. He asked if I had anything important coming up. I had a party I was throwing that weekend. My therapist was like “Well, you never know who Satan is trying to prevent you from meeting at the party, or he’s making you feel unworthy of meeting anyone.” Right after that therapy session, I went to anatomy lab where I’d talked to a boy I met a couple months prior. He was dang handsome and nice and I invited him to the party. Aaaaand now we are getting married.
So if that doesn’t convince you to not listen to Satan, I don’t know what will.
I needed to heal to a certain point before I could be in a serious relationship. When I met Robin, it was perfect timing. I was healed enough that I wouldn’t be dependent on him for my self worth. But he has been that missing piece in the puzzle--proving to me that I can be loved even if my belly isn’t flat. He has helped me remember what really makes me a valuable person and reminds me all the time. He is the greatest blessing. He is my happiest sunrise.
And, like I said, I'm still working on things. Having someone to love me hasn't fixed everything. I am still learning how to find worth in myself, for who I am. I am still learning to not just accept my body but to love it. And what is wrong with not loving yourself? To be honest, isn't this something we all struggle with? Just me? But yeah, I'm gonna work on it.
Because, let's be real, it really doesn't matter what others think of me, but my life will have a dramatic difference when I learn to love myself in a positive and humble way versus when I don't love myself. I will have more power and strength and peace.
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