now and then.

It's interesting to be able to look back at a time in your life and sort of analyze what happened and learn from it once you are removed from it. And I really feel this way about college. I haven't talked about my experience very much on here until now because I feel like I am in a safe place to tell you my feelings. And this experience isn't just catered to me (well it is) but it's a general thing that I'm sure you have experienced and something we will all experience again and again.  We all are given trials to endure.

My freshman year was an experience that I wish never to relive again, but I am so grateful to have lived that year even though it was the hardest thing I've ever done. True, I have had struggles in my life before that impacted me and changed me but moving away from the people I love and being plopped into a new atmosphere was devastating on my soul. I didn't know who I was or who I wanted to be. I had these expectations that I wasn't going to be homesick and I was gonna have so many friends. But the problem is, I didn't let go of the life I lived back in Kaysville. And that hurt me. But of course it's a process and I can't live life perfectly and I know, truly, that I was supposed to have an experience like I did. I'm stronger. I have more belief in myself. And I see people in a more beautiful light.

I remember when I came home for Christmas break and I was back in Kaysville, in my element, and I realized I had entirely thrown myself out the window and was somebody totally different in Provo. I got ready in Provo and I cared, I cared, so much about what people thought about me. And that's not really who I am. But then I got to rediscover what I love about myself and who I really, truly, am inside. And it was tough. And I was lonely. But now I look back and see how I grew and how God shaped me to be who I am today and how He continues to shape me and mold me. And through Him, I have learned who I want to be.

So now I'm home in Kaysville and I'm so happy. It's always darkest before the dawn, right? And now it's dawn. Sometimes I feel like last year didn't even happen. And yes, there were fun and happy moments, don't get me wrong. But it was hard. Like, wanna hear something weird? Being at college made me HATE darkness and the night time because it gave me time to think and wallow. And when I moved back, for awhile I hated night-time because it reminded me of those painfully lonesome times. But from those nights of pondering and worrying and crying I have learned this:

I choose who I want to be. And that is Me.

Any obstacle that is put in my way can be overcome and endured, and that is what life is about.

Just love people. Everyone is so different and it is a blessing to get to know someone and care for someone so just take a leap of faith and give yourself to others.



But yeah. Life is wonderful. Hard. Freaking SO hard. But worth every second because we are becoming the people we need to be. And the struggle is worth the joy that comes when you are triumphant.

Hope you are happy!